Two desks on a bare stage. Two boys sit, dressed in school uniforms, talking.
Steve: So, how about Gavin huh?
Donny: Jesus, what was his deal.
Steve: I have no clue. (Begins pounding desk and feigning angry) “Calm down you guys!” “Stop getting so upset!”
“Rarrgh! Fresh Brains!”
Donny: You know, I asked around. You know how many people agree with him?
Steve: How many?
Donny: Two. And one was him.
Steve: Yeah, didn’t see that one coming. Who was the other?
Donny: Matt Malloy.
Steve: Oh, that makes sense.
Donny: Yeah, who doesn’t like pirates?
Steve: I know. Okay, I got one: Peter Parker vs. Bruce Wayne.
Donny: No contest, Peter Parker.
Steve: What?! Bruce Wayne is like the best fighter ever. He’s Batman!
Donny: What super powers does he have? Nothing. He’s just an above average fighter. Parker can stick to walls
and’s got spider sense! I mean think about it, what villains of Batman’s have super powers? Huh?
Steve: They’re all insane…
Donny: So, what, insanity’s a super power?
Steve: No… but wait, Killer Croc. The guy has super strength, and Batman beat him with his bare hands. It’d be like
fighting the Thing. And, what about this? Spidey had trouble fighting the Scarecrow.
Donny: Who the hell is the Scarecrow?
Steve: He’s a villain of Spidey’s with no super powers; all he’s got is really quick moves and agility. And Spider-man
had trouble fighting him, webs and all. In fact, the only way Spider-man beat him was via a trap using webbing.
Donny: You make a valid point. Killer Croc would be tough. Okay, how about this: the Pope-Mobile vs. the Batmobile.
Steve: Is the Pope driving it?
Donny: No.
Steve: Then the Batmobile.
Donny: Wait, would it make a difference?
Steve: Yeah.
Donny: So if the Pope was driving…
Steve: Then the Pope-mobile.
Donny: Why?
Steve: Cause he’s the Pope.
Donny: He’s a frail old man!
Steve: But he has the power of God on his side.
Donny stares blankly at him.
Donny: Whatever. Superman vs. Mighty Mouse.
Steve: Superman, hands down.
Donny: Are you kidding? Mighty Mouse would dominate that! He has a pocket full of Kryptonite!
Steve: Says who?
Donny: Oh, you know it’s there.
Steve: That is ridiculous. Supes could melt him with a blast of heat vision from like, a hundred miles away.
Superman.
Donny: Okay, how about this: John Wilkes Booth... vs... a puma. But… the puma’s name is Lee Harvey Oswald.
Steve: Well, what kind of fighting?
Donny: I dunno… bare knuckle boxing.
Steve: Like “fisticuffs” style?
Donny: Sure.
Steve: Then Booth.
Donny: It’s a puma!
Steve: Yeah, but the puma is gonna have a helluva time fisticuffin’ Booth. Now, if it was Lincoln vs. Booth, then
Lincoln’s gonna trounce that sucker. He’s got the reach.
Teacher enters and hands them each a graded quiz.
Steve: What?! This is ridiculous! A "D"?
Donny: What do they want from me?! I go to class all the time!
Long Pause
Steve: Hey, I got one.
Donny: What?
Steve: Archie vs. an Alien. But… Archie gets a samurai sword AND knows how to use it.
Donny: Oooh.
Curtain.
