Finally, the long sought TRUE STORY of the greatest rock and roll band in history: The Oxygen Destroyers!
The Oxygen Destroyers have been hailed as the greatest rock and roll band of all time, sometimes hailed as "the
New Beatles" or even "the New Apostles." But where did this success come from? The story begins with a little
known glam-rock band, Kiefer Madness.
Kiefer Madness was started in 2004 in a Chicago suburb when Maciej Kasperowicz decided to quit his job as a
birthday party mime and pick up a guitar. Maciej soon mastered the guitar and recruited fellow mime Kevin Altier on
bass, Katie Napelton on lead guitar, and Nick "Blanco" White on drums. The foursome soon became known as
Kiefer Madness and began playing shows in the Chicago Area. Soon they were signed to the local D3Powerhouse
Records and released their first Album, Gorilla Suit to rave reviews but poor sales. The band continued touring and
built up a steady following. In 2005 they released their Gorilla Suit follow-up, The Face. The Face received rave
reviews, although only sold 15 copies worldwide (including 7 from the band’s families). Due to poor sales, the
group got restless and decided to part ways.
Maciej and Kevin were not done with music. Kevin was a frequenter of the "Ashbury Café, where an emo-rock
group, Flanked by Stars, often played. When Maciej and Kevin decided to start Jackal Headed Death God, their folk
rock group, Kevin recruited Joe "Mike" O’Connor, the drummer of Flanked by Stars, on drums. Jackal Headed Death
God played one show, at the end of which Maciej threatened to kill Kevin, and promptly broke up.
Maciej and Joe still wanted to play rock and roll, so they called up the Flanked by Stars bassist, Marty Sweeney for a
meeting. After a couple of practices, they decided they needed another guitarist. Marty suggested Brian Hurley, who
he had played with in The Keyboards years before. Before the first practice, or even meeting with Brian, the group
named themselves The Oxygen Destroyers, after an obscure Japanese Weapon used in World War Two, making
the four original members Maciej, Joe, Marty, and Brian. But then, just ten seconds after meeting Maciej for the first
time, Brian was promptly kicked out and replaced by Kiefer Madness guitarist, Katie. The Oxygen Destroyers were
on their way.Soon the Oxygen Destroyers were playing all the hip clubs in Chicago and in no time were signed to
the indie label, D or N Records, where they released their first album, Tremendous Jubilation. Hailed as the best
record of 2007, its single, @#$! (Pronounced Chck-Pow-Bang-Flop) received much college radio play.
The Oxygen Destroyers soon became known for their live shows, doing covers of songs long forgotten and
amazing rock-opera versions of popular songs. But soon, the band hit its first snag, when bassist Marty was
arrested for attacking Rivers Cuomo after a show. Apparently, when Rivers heard about the ten minute version of
The Good Life, he commented with the phrase, "f***ing posers." Marty heard about the statement and jumped
Rivers after a Weezer show in Detroit and shivved him in the leg. Marty was soon released from prison, and the
band began touring again. They soon hit their second snag, when drummer Joe disappeared on stage in a puff of
smoke. Kiefer Madness drummer, Nick White was brought in to finish the tour. After the tour, Joe was found living in
Paris, speaking perfect French and remembering no English. He was flown back to America and began English
lessons.
After Joe had again conquered the English Language a second time, the band started recording their second
album, Ninja Balls and Other Fantastic Contraptions. NBOFC was released on the indie-giant, Matadon’s Records,
and received wonderful reviews. The Oxygen Destroyers quickly set out on the Monsters of Eyewear Tour with
Weezer to support the new album. Marty and Rivers tried to place their differences behind them, but on the seventh
show of the 48 show tour, a fight broke out. Supposedly, Marty had snidely commented on River’s eyewear after a
set, saying, "Nice glasses, Rivers." Rivers responded with "F*** you, Sweeney!" and a fist fight ensued. The Oxygen
Destroyers were kicked off the tour. They began touring alone, and after much touring, the band settled down and
began working on their third album. The entire third album was recorded and set into production when Maciej left
the band over a dispute about the cover art. The band wanted to release the album as a self-title, with a picture of a
green stop sign on the cover. Maciej would have none of it and left to pursue his own career. With Maciej gone,
Marty brought Brian back in on guitar and Joe brought in Kevin to beat-match the entire album. Maciej, meanwhile,
re-recorded the entire album and mixed it using Apple’s Garage Band in front of a Starbucks in suburban La
Grange and released it on D or N records with the same cover art as The Oxygen Destroyers’ version, but with a red
stop sign. Red Stop Sign, as it would become known to by fans, was hailed as the greatest concept album ever,
while Green Stop Sign received only mediocre reviews, and won The Biggest Letdown of the Year Award from SPIN
magazine. So shamed by this award, Katie and Marty quit the bad, and The Oxygen Destroyers dissolved.
The very next week however, Marty, Joe, Katie, and Brian reformed under the name Moniker, as a Kiefer Madness
Tribute Band. They quickly recorded Something about Kiefer: a Guitar Tribute to Kiefer Madness, a tribute album
made up of covers of their favorite KM songs, with the addition of a brand new, Kiefer Madness Styled song, Kiefer
Madness is the Best Band ever, and Maciej is a Rock God. Touched by this, Maciej rejoined his former band mates
and The Oxygen Destroyers reformed. With three guitarists at the helm, they began recording Party Nardi, their third
album. When Party Nardi was released, it was immediately hailed as the greatest album ever by every rock critic on
the face of the earth. At first though, the band didn’t get to feel any of its success because they were arrested after 8
people had their faces melted by the sheer rock of the album. The band was soon released from jail and went on
the infamous Party Nardi Tour. The death count rose after each show, as more and more people had their faces
melted. Eventually, The Oxygen Destroyers began selling Oxygen Destroyer Welding Masks at their shows, and the
death count dropped. After that tour, the band again began recording.
They released F6, a bizarre skiffle-ska fusion record to mixed reviews. While some critics hailed it as a brilliant
experimental album, others found it trivial and shallow. It has been recently dismissed as a joke gone terribly,
terribly wrong. After the expected poor sales of F6, the band wanted to get big, so they signed to JIVE! Records,
changed their name to simply The Oxygen’s, and released Meet the Oxygen’s. Meet the Oxygen’s sold wonderfully,
and is called by some, the best pop album ever. The band finally made it big, with MTV specials and even their own
Monkeys style television show. Success came at a price, though, when each member became addicted to derbisol.
The band quickly moved from derb to religion, and became Born Again Shakers. They released the "shaker-
themed" album, Sh-Sh-Shakin’, on Shaker-Brand Records, a record company founded by Maciej and Joe. Within
weeks of the release of Sh-Sh-Shakin’, the band ditched the Shaker religion and turned back to rock.
Tragically, just months after the Return to Rock Tour was started, Marty was found dead onstage. Apparently, he
had been dead for three shows, but no one noticed. Maciej was quoted as saying, "yeah, I guess a roadie had
been placing him on stage for three nights. I just figured he was tired or something, you know, taking a catnap on
the stage floor, in a heap. Now, that I think back on it, I should have noticed something was up, three naps in a row?
But, hindsight is 20/20." With the death of their bassist, The Oxygen Destroyers broke up for the last time.
Then, on one fateful night, three days after the final break up of the band, tragedy struck. Marty’s ashes were
boarded onto a plane headed for LA, where, according to his last will and testament, the urn would be thrown
through the living room window of Rivers Cuomo’s house. Maciej boarded helicopter where he was to perform a
solo show for a sick helicopter pilot. Katie decided to go hang gliding for the first time, and took to the sky. The
eccentric Joe was testing his newly acquired ex-NASA jet-pack. And Brian boarded his yacht for a good time on the
high seas. Through a bizarre and unfortunate series of events, Katie’s glider went dangerously off course, and was
sucked into the jet engine of the plane containing Marty’s ashes, killing her instantly. Joe’s jet pack malfunctioned,
coincidentally, went dangerously off course and ended up fling into the propellers of Maciej’s helicopter. Marty’s
plane and Maciej’s chopper, both seriously damaged, fell from the sky and landed in the exact same place: Brain’s
yacht. And so, in one uncanny hour, all the members of The Oxygen Destroyers were killed.
But recently, some talk has been heard of a possible Oxygen Destroyers Return-From-The-Grave Reunion Show at
Soldier Field. The band could not be reached for comment.
So there you have it. The Oxygen Destroyers. Be sure to check out their greatest hits collection, "Why Couldn't I Have
Just Been a Fireman?", and their DVD, "The Oxygen Destroyers Go Digitally (And Video If You Don't Have A DVD
Player Yet)", which contains every episode of "The Oxygen Destroyers Hour" as well as over 20,000 hours of the
ODs, both out now!
